It was just an inconspicuous moment, waiting for the traffic light to turn green. I idly looked around and noticed the car ahead of me; a Nissan Altima Hybrid with the number plate 2-7-K-K-O-I. "Twenty-seven-K Koi" I read aloud, and out of nowhere "Y2K" popped into my thoughts; something to do with both ending with a "K" I suppose.
And suddenly a series of thoughts sped through my head, and in a flash before I could acknowledge them, they were gone. All that remained was a strange sensation of pain, almost like a memory of some long past heart ache. Within milliseconds, I had seen something, registered it, pulled up a memory, subconsciously acknowledged it and let it go; possibly let it go because holding on would have left a harder pain?
The traffic light was still red, and I frantically tried to pry open my subconscious to find out what it was that left me feeling so, but for a sick moment I drew a complete blank, until just as suddenly the memory of a thought came back.
In that split second I had been thinking of death.
2-7-K, Y2K, brought the realization that 10 years had passed since the Y2K buzz, and I wondered how further ahead in time year 27K would be. For a moment the sensation of pain sneaked back, very tiny, almost like an inevitable, but careful afterthought.
As I slowly let the car into gear, I allowed myself to think; what was it about year 27K that made me feel so painfully vulnerable. And the answer was right there; I was scared, scared that I wouldn't see the year 27K because by then I would be dead.
For the first time in life, I had felt fear at the thought of death.
Shocked, I asked myself would I be scared if I were faced with a life threatening situation? My mind empathetically replied "No!". Then what, I asked, had me so scared for that iota of moment? Two cars ahead of me had moved through the green and it was my turn. As I passed under the traffic light I realized.
I was scared of dying; not of death, but of dying.
It was the certainty of an end; what after that? Will I again have "time" after I die? There are so many things in life that are begging me to experience them. How do I make time for all of them? And after I pass through the mortal phase of death will I continue to have time to keep doing new things. Strangely there was no thought of priorities. Everything is important; every new experience as worthwhile as the others that are still awaiting me.
With that thought reverberating to Shakti's drum beats, I settled at my work desk, promptly losing perspective of time (passing) as I slipped into the "rat rut".
But only until a friend called me to go for a walk, and I spent 40 minutes walking below the trees brightening newly with the first colors of fall.
Posts
